There was smoke up to my eyeballs
Poison burned my throat
But I said I'd keep on going
When everyone said don't
With my bony-chested t-shirt
Some stolen guitar licks
Navigating by dead reckoning
In 1976
And when the mighty chains of darkness
Had me on the ropes
Everyone said quit now
That's when I found hope

So please don't tell Columbus
Don't tell his queen for sure
That I had the accurate compass
And I discovered America

Well the guy in the five and dime store
Said it ain't anywhere around here
Take your business elsewhere
Along with your mad idea
So I looked inside your closet
And your broken tv set
You said that you were born here
But you hadn't found it yet

So please don't tell Columbus
Don't tell his queen for sure
That I had the accurate compass
And I discovered America

Well I knew one day she'd let me in
I knew I'd get the girl
And live in a town called veteran
Pork capitol of the world

So please don't tell Columbus
Don't tell his queen for sure
That I had the accurate compass
And I discovered America

Well they've dammed the yangtse river damn it
There'll be hell to pay
But I guess that's what you do
When the yangtse river gets in your way

But I had that positive feeling
I knew I was on the right track
When a flat earth society member
Told me I must turn back
He said I'd reach the abyss
And keep on going down
So I gave him my last pencil
And I flattened him to the ground
Then an army of Christian soldiers
Broke through the ranks and charged
With their ice cream vendor buddies
And their milquetoast rearguard
They had wheelbarrows full of elastic
And paper mache hearts
And things I did not recognize
Impaled upon their darts
And when the mighty chains of darkness
Had me on the ropes
Everyone said quit now
That's when I found hope
Yeah that's when I found hope

So please don't tell Columbus
Don't tell his queen for sure
That I had the accurate compass
And I discovered America